my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
