U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
