im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
