It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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