I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
