I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
