That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
