why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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