The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
