my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
