that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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