Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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