the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
