I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
