He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
