I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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