I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
