Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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