WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
