Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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