well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
