dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
