i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
