A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize