one two three fourrrrnication!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
