i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
