I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
