Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
