sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
