he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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