Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
