at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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