Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize