my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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