I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
