I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
