And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
