I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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