apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
