I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
