Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
