John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
