so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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