Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
