I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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