I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize