so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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