did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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