Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
