"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
