so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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