Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
