We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
