I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize