you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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