i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
