no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize