I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
