Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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